National Lampoon's Doon Ellis Weiner

TERMS OF THE IMPERIUM

In studying the Imperium and Arruckus, many unfamiliar terms are failed to be understood. To comprehend is praiseworthy as a thing, hence this glossary of the following words may be read.

A

AARGH: Rocky, uneven, frustrating landscape.

ABDUL-JABBAR: “The high-handed, long-legged enemy.” A small thing you can kill somebody with somehow. Used by Boni Maronites for frightening children. Also known as the “sky-hook.”

AMWAY RULE: In Freedmenmen society, the right to challenge an opponent, who is thereby required either to give satisfaction, or delegate a congenial group of friends, relatives, and neighbors who may purchase franchise rights for providing satisfaction themselves.

ANTARES TELEPORT AND TELEPATH: Giant communications corporation known for the controversial design of its headquarters planet (Jonzun Fillup, arch.).

ARRUCKUS: The planet known as Doon; third planet of Canopeas.

ASSOL: A fool; someone who behaves badly.

AWW-REEET!: Freedmenmen cry of exultation. Second syllable can be drawn out for as long as the exulter opts.

B

BALLY-SHOES: Insanely expensive footwear, commonly worn by nobility.

BEAVER: In Freedmenmen argot, a young girl. And that’s all. Just a young girl.

BEE-EFF-DEE: Derisive, sarcastic teenage slang for “So what?” or “Big deal.” Derivation unknown.

BEER: (also Foam, Suds, Brewski, Frosty, etc.) The nut/yeast beverage of the wilds of Arruckus, formed by a process of snacko-catalysis and deep-sugar fermentation from the decomposed bodies of pretzels.

BEER BELLIES: Small pockets of mature beer found on the surface of Arruckus after a “beer blast.”

BEER BLAST: Convulsive explosion that occurs when subterranean deposits of “brew” reach maturity.

BEERBURP: Sudden percussive release, from the stomach through the mouth, of gas ingested by drinking beer.

BEERMUG: Mug-like vessel for drinking beer-like beverages.

BEERPAPER: Paper made from beer. A Freedmenmen artifact. Nobody knows how they do it.

BEERTERRYCLOTH: Terry cloth made from beer. Not as absorbent as cotton terry cloth, but still pretty absorbent, considering.

BEERWAGON: Large vehicle used to harvest beer from the surface of Arruckus.

BENEVOLENT PLANETARY ORDER OF ELKOIDS: Interplanetary men’s and male-life-forms’ social organization, known for its eerie and vaguely frightening-looking meeting halls.

BIB: The traditional purple napkin worn by Freedmenmen, said to symbolize their exile from an Edenic place where they had something decent to eat.

BIG STICK: Penultimate growth stage of the giant pretzel.

BOFFO: In Varietese, Amen. (Lit., “we should be so lucky.”)

BONGO WAFER: Any area of terrain on Arruckus in which sugar crystals have been fused on the molecular level, resulting in an impaction which resonates with a bongo-bop sound when struck.

BONI MARONI: Quasi-religious cooking school, established after the overthrow of the convenience and frozen food industry during the Industrial Revolution.

BOWERON: Fourth planet of Gamma Craven, known for its large population of vagrants and indigents; the “Skid Row Planet.”

BRANIF: A woman whose husband, found to be teetering on the brink of moral bankruptcy, is dismissed and replaced by another.

BREW: Mixture of water, yeast, and salted peanuts that forms the “pre-beer” liquid.

BUNKY: In Freedmenmen argot, a son or young man.

C

CAL-RIPKIN SAC-FLY: Some kind of strange device used on the open sugars of Arruckus.

CALTRANS: Irregular public transportation device native to Arruckus.

CARRY-ON: Large equipment transport vehicle; also, to misbehave; also, small transport bag capable of fitting under the seat of an orthodontothopter.

C-BISCUIT: A crude, muffin-like foodstuff used by Freedmenmen for survival in the wilds.

CERTIFIED IMPERIAL ACCOUNTANT (C.I.A.): A keeper-of-books licensed by the Imperium to bookkeep.

CHAUBAKKY: Poison administered in chewing tobacco.

CHAVEZ: Poison administered in fruit.

CHIKSOOP: Dehydrated nutrient broth used by Freedmenmen in the wilds. Usually safeguarded by a krep-lock (see Krep-Lock).

CHURCH KEY: Freedmenmen religio-functional prying device used to open canisters of beer. Commonly part of a swysknife (see Swysknife).

COCKTAIL MIX: Peanut remnant of pretzel after saline decomposition. Eaten in Freedmenmen religious trance-rituals.

COOK-VOICE: A Boni Maroni technique for banishing unwanted persons from a kitchen via the implantation of a nasal, highly irritating vocal tone in their ear.

COSMOSPOLITAN: One of the primary magnetazines of the Imperium. (see Magnetazine). Specializes in topical articles encouraging women over age thirty (Standard) to pretend they’re eighteen.

COWBOYDAN: Third planet of Deltoid-Pectoris; birthworld of Pall-Mauve’Bib.

D

DISCOMFORTREL: Tenacious fibrous filament made from the pish-tush vine, used for binding and gagging protagonists.

DORK: Long narrow valley, usually populated by dull, graceless people whose pants are usually too short.

E

EEK: A scary plateau or butte.

ELECTROLUX RECLINER: Form-fitting sofa that holds the body in place via vacuum suction.

ENCYCLOPEDOPHILIA PROPHYLACTIC A: Multi-volume book of wisdom and knowledge, usually used by school children, concerning the importance of good hygiene when indulging in foot fetishism.

ENGLEBERTHUMPERDINCK: Proof, partic. that required to confirm a possible millennial redemption. Derivation unknown and, if known, highly implausible.

ERG: A broad plain; also, a unit of energy; also, a unit of energy expended on a broad plain.

EYE OF THE EGAD: The red-on-red eye color of deep beer addiction. Characteristic of Freedmenmen, yet also seen among off-worlders, Schlepping Guildsmen, etc.

F

FARFEL: Slang for nonsense, bushwa, etc. Originally, little pieces of matzoh used as bulk filler.

FERNDOC: Freedmenmen device; originally, a plant physician.

FEYDEAUKIN (also Farcees): Comedy commandoes sworn to protect the person of the Mahdl-T, or die laughing. Their traditional strategy involves the intensive application of running in and out of rooms and slamming doors, thus confusing their adversary.

FILTCIG: Freedmenmen survival tool, consisting of a cigarette with a filter attached to one end.

FLAMTAP: Rudimentary Freedmenmen drum device used for communication across short distances.

FLOTZ: A song or ballad.

FOAMFALL: The subsiding of the head of a mug of beer.

FREEDMENMEN: The native tribes of Arruckus, said to be descended from the Nancee Druze peoples of the Ad Astra Diaspora.

FREEN: On Arruckus, any low-lying depression created by the subsiding of an underlying basement complex; also, any lowdown lying depressive suffering from an unresolved basement complex.

G

GETTY PREMIUM: The planet of Ofiorucci B (36), homeworld of House Hardchargin.

GNOCCHIS: Ears, so-called because of that organ’s resemblance to an ancient foodstuff formed of potato flour.

GREAT BIG HOUSES: Holders of planetary fiefs (usually an extended bloodline) who live in large single-family dwellings. Also, the dwellings themselves.

H

HAJJ-PAJJ: A mixture of many kinds of pilgrimages and sacred journeys to a jumble of different places for a variety of confused reasons.

HALF-WIFE: A wife inherited from another man after rankout combat.

HAL-PRINTZ!: “Terrific!” or “I love it!” Also may mean “Well-staged!”

HARDEHAURHAR: Terrorist bouncer-fanatics in service to the Emperor.

HEGEL QUARTZ: Ultraclear crystalline rock speckled with bits of self-transcending dialectical material.

HOKI-POKI: A ritualistic dancelike movement used to dance, or to move ritualistically.

HOOTCH: A Freedmenmen village.

I

‘IGHLINER: Schlepping Guild space frigate and, by law, the largest man-made thing permitted to exist in the Imperium.

IMPERIAL INSTITUTE OF ACCOUNTING AND BROADCASTING: A fully-accredited learning institution offering instruction in accounting and the broadcast arts. Not affiliated with any other institution.

INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION: Universe-wide revolt, from 201 B.I. (Before Imperium) through 108 B.I., in which humans overthrew the forces of technology and industrialization.

IX-NAY: Ninth planet of Alpha-E. Neumann, known for its advanced machine culture.

J

JIM-PALMERIES: An area of mounds older than many other geographical features but still in pretty good shape.

K

KLAUSKINSKI: Skeptical as to the veracity of a religious-based rumor.

KLORMER: Comrade, buddy.

KOOLL-JUH-HERK!: “I am profoundly shocked!” Original meaning, “You all sitting there looking at me like I’m a fool.”

KRAMDEN: A formal state of feud, or vendetta, between two neighboring Houses or peoples, who by mutual acknowledgment ought rightly to be pals.

KREP-LOCK: Freedmenmen low-level security device used for safeguarding chiksoop and other similar krep (see Chiksoop).

KREZNUM: Gravy.

KUMKWAT HAAGENDASZ: “The One Whose Fruit-Like Soul Is Tempered to a Soft Consistency.” This is the label applied by the Boni Maroni to the X-factor, the unknown for which they were searching, the specific meaning of which none of them had the slightest idea of. Perhaps refers to a chef who is able to bring to readiness many dishes at one time; perhaps not.

L

LASERIUM AL-DILAH’: “The Bright Light of the Italian Love Song.” In Freedmenmen messianic legend, the redeemer from another world. See Mahdl-T.

LA-ZER-BOY BEAM: A force-field recliner capable of holding the body in a state of relaxation while providing on-demand ottoman-style foot-support.

LENNONJON: A waterproof sack used for transporting liquids.

LINK-RAY: Freedmenmen survival device consisting of an early ‘60’s guitar player.

LITTLE STICK: (Also “Baby Stick”) The secondary growth stage of the giant pretzel.

LUMPER: Freedmenmen device for summoning pretzels. Consists of a spring-packed “scoop” which compresses sugar into cubes, transmitting a signal through the ground.

LYFAH-RYLI: Fulfilled, usually with reference to an apocryphal or legendary assertion or prophecy.

M

MACHOOLA: Out of business; bankrupt.

MAGNETAZINE: Periodical journal, published on magnetic tape, consisting of photopix and textfax.

MAHDL-T: In Freedmenmen messianic legend, “the one who will drive us to Paradise and back.”

MAHI-MAHI: The day of the arrival of the Messiah.

MAHN T’VANI: Freedmenmen food experiments, principally their attempt to create entrees via soy bean manipulation. The resulting dishes were invariably bland and without character.

MALTOSE FALCON: Bird native to Arruckus. Freedmenmen nickname: “The Sweet Bird of Youth.”

MANTAN: An adviser to royalty or others in positions of power, whose function is usually to nod knowingly and, by maintaining an attitude of measured agreement, stay out of trouble.

MILANOS-2: The second planet of Milanos; known for its footwear and furniture design.

MISSIONARIA PHONIBALONICA: The arm of the Boni Maroni order charged with sowing chiliastic legends, and distributing surplus food, throughout the known universe.

MIZOUR-RI: Broad river in Freedmenmen myth.

N

NABE: A Freedmenmen leader. Originally, a headman of a small locale.

NOAMCHOMSKI: Neutralis Organizational Abba Mercantile Condominium Havatampa Orthonovum Minnehaha Shostakovich Kategorical Imperative. Huge interplanetary industrial combine managed by the Great Big Houses and the Emperor.

NOFREELUNCHES: The rigid rules of class distinction of the Imperium.

NOUVELLE ALDEBARAN: Cuisine style popular during the lifespan of Pall-Mauve’Bib, highlighted by the use of local ingredients, small portions, intense reductions, outlandish prices, and garnishes consisting of one or two unbelievably precious snow peas or baby zucchini.

NUGGET: Primary growth stage of the giant pretzel.

O

ORANGE COUNTY BIBLE: Ancient text of sacred writing, comprising the Good Old Testament, the New Improved Testament, and the Book of Regulations.

ORTHODONTOTHOPTER (Commonly, ‘thopter): Winged flying vehicle consisting of a number of fixed appliances pulled by rubber bands. Expensive, but in the long run definitely worth it.

OUT-FREEKT: In Freedmenmen argot, a stranger, one from another world. So-called due to the person’s usual initial response to the conditions of Arruckus.

P

PAD OF MEMOS: Freedmenmen paper tablet for jotting down little notes and things.

PAHDEDBRAH BROADCASTING SYSTEM: The official Imperial video network, known for its documentaries about exotic cultures, enlightened educational programming, and endless series of British costume dramas from Old Earth.

PEANUT BUTTER: The paste-like invention of Pall-Mauve’Bib consisting of crushed cocktail mix and nugget oil (see Cocktail Mix).

POTCHKIED (also BEER-POTCHKIED): In a state of religious intoxication; drunk.

PRETZEL: The giant snack-animal hybrid of Arruckus.

PROCTOR-SILEX: A head instructor at a Boni Maroni school.

R

RANCHO JURIS GRANDE: An investigative inquest held by the Great Big Houses.

RANKOUT: Combat via insult, invective, and insinuation.

RAZZMATAZZIA: A guerrilla raid for purposes of bedazzling and impressing the enemy.

REVVED-UP MOTHER: A holy woman. Originally, a teacher at a Boni Maroni school.

RICKENBACKER: Twelve-stringed guitar-like guitar.

RIGELIAN CLAM LEATHER: Leather fashioned from the tanned hides of Rigelian clams.

S

SALACIA SIMPLICISSIMUS: Third planet of Beta-Fischook, and official prison planet of the Imperium.

SALTROCK: The large salt boulder that adheres to the back of the giant pretzel of Arruckus.

SCHMAI-GUNUG: The giant pretzel of Arruckus. When capitalized, refers to the pretzel-deity who rules the planet and its inhabitants. Originally translated to mean “to browse and fiddle around and window-shop enough.” Also called, in adult form, the “Three-Ringed Yoke of Madness.”

SCHNAGG: Made-up word meaning a blessing, a boon. Completely arbitrary.

SHANANA-: An heir designate. Lit., “The king? No, no.”

SHIELD: A thin membrane of authentic animal skin surrounding the capital city of Arrucksack, used for hygienic protection while still affording maximum sensitivity.

SKROBBNIG: The withered stump of the jorj bush. Usually used pejoratively.

STIX NIX HIX PIX: An expression of resignation, coupled with a sense of the unpredictability of Fate, as in “What can you do?”

SUDSFEST: A Freedmenmen beer-drinking ritual, in which the men of the community sit around and drink beer.

SWEATSUIT: Clothing worn by Freedmenmen on Arruckus, the purpose of which is to promote perspiration and thus reduce bodyweight gained by the intake of beer and sugar-based desserts.

SWEAT-TENT: Freedmenmen portable shelter, made of micro-sandwich insulating material, used for maximizing perspiration of its occupants for purposes of weightloss and slimdown.

SWYSKNIFE: Weapon/appliance of the Freedmenmen of Arruckus. It consists of a number of blades, openers, and other devices collapsible into a single metal sheath. (See Church Key).

T

TALMUD TE CHING: The ancient holy text of the Jiu-Jitsu’s for Jesus of the Judo-Christian Tradition.

THERMOFAX SUSPENSOR: Seating force-field in which the physical form of the sitter is copied with pretty decent accuracy.

TORAH’ RA BUUM DI-‘EY: Sacred scripture of the Hebrew National Salaami people.

TURBINADO: The cyclonic sugar-storm of Arruckus. All natural.

TZID: A leader, commander. Arbitrary word.

U

UPDIKE CENTAURI: A star known for its beautiful, lambent surfaces.

V

VARIETESE: Native tongue of the Freedmenmen of Arruckus. So-called because it is a variety of English, probably.

VELVEETA: “The Cheese That Cannot Die.” Immortal cheese-food product from Old Earth that remains in use in the Imperium, many examples of which are still in their original cartons.

VOLKSRITR: A people or nation, particularly one with a tradition of literacy and the processing of words.

W

WALLACH-ELI: Sixth planet of Tempo Terrance, known for its cultural sophistication. Homeworld of the Boni Maroni.

WALLY: A Freedmenmen boy. Common form of address: “Gee, wally—.”

WESTINGLOBE: Self-contained light source, usually frosted to provide a soft, nonglaring ambience.

Y

YOGI-BEAR: The Boni Maroni discipline of body-control. Key triggering phrase: “Yah-bahdah Bah Do.”

YOGI-BERRA: The Boni Maroni discipline of mind-control. Key triggering phrase: “A thing is not over until it is over.”

Z

ZIGZAGPAPER: Paper formed of pulped Tulgy wood, noted for its thin strip of adhesive gum on each sheet.

ISBN: 0-671-54144-7